The Ultimate Pair of Narcissists
Dear Mother Nature:
I understand that, as a woman, you are flighty and feel the need to change moods at the drop of a hat. While I certainly sympathize with your plight, it would be greatly appreciated if once in a while you would not oh, let's say make it rain or drop fifty degrees on days we have motorcycle events scheduled. Icy wind in my nostrils, or rain bullets to the face, do not make my day enjoyable. I would also like to know that if I turn my heater on at night that it will not suddenly warm to 80 degrees at two am causing me to melt into my sheets. It would also be tremendously acceptable for you to figure out in the morning if you are going to change from one season to another rather than run the gamut of all four seasons between the hours of 8 am and 5 pm (and please only change to one season at a time). Again, female to female, I do not begrudge your list of duties day to day. I just would like for once to dress appropriately at all points during the day rather than fill my car with potential weather gear which alas, seems to be anywhere from swimsuits to snowshoes lately.
Very humbly yours,
A Weather-Weary Wife
Dear Father Time:
I am requesting time off for good behavior. During this time of recesss I request less lines etching themselves into my face and fewer age spots to make an appearance on my ever-elasticity losing skin. I am asking that the gray hair that replaces my once brown (okay, bleached blonde) strands take shorter strides in their jump to be seen as it is costing me more and more money at the hair salon to hide. I cannot continue to sink money into cosmetics which promise to aid my war against you and your minions who are increasingly outnumbering me in the battle. I'm beginning to reconcile that I will eventually lose this war. I understand that at present I live in a camper and normally people who do this are of, let's say, a more golden age. I, however, am not yet of the AARP variety and would greatly like to enjoy the last remaining minutes of my youth if at all possible. So please have a chat with your cousin Gravity and discuss the possibility of loosening his grip on my parts and allow them at least a fighting chance at remaining taught until the very last conceivable moment. I would also like to request a leave of absence in my battle of the bulge- I'm hungry and rice cakes don't cut it.
I appreciate your time and attention to this matter.
All the best,
A Moderately Managing Mommy
Dear Mother Nature:
I understand that, as a woman, you are flighty and feel the need to change moods at the drop of a hat. While I certainly sympathize with your plight, it would be greatly appreciated if once in a while you would not oh, let's say make it rain or drop fifty degrees on days we have motorcycle events scheduled. Icy wind in my nostrils, or rain bullets to the face, do not make my day enjoyable. I would also like to know that if I turn my heater on at night that it will not suddenly warm to 80 degrees at two am causing me to melt into my sheets. It would also be tremendously acceptable for you to figure out in the morning if you are going to change from one season to another rather than run the gamut of all four seasons between the hours of 8 am and 5 pm (and please only change to one season at a time). Again, female to female, I do not begrudge your list of duties day to day. I just would like for once to dress appropriately at all points during the day rather than fill my car with potential weather gear which alas, seems to be anywhere from swimsuits to snowshoes lately.
Very humbly yours,
A Weather-Weary Wife
Dear Father Time:
I am requesting time off for good behavior. During this time of recesss I request less lines etching themselves into my face and fewer age spots to make an appearance on my ever-elasticity losing skin. I am asking that the gray hair that replaces my once brown (okay, bleached blonde) strands take shorter strides in their jump to be seen as it is costing me more and more money at the hair salon to hide. I cannot continue to sink money into cosmetics which promise to aid my war against you and your minions who are increasingly outnumbering me in the battle. I'm beginning to reconcile that I will eventually lose this war. I understand that at present I live in a camper and normally people who do this are of, let's say, a more golden age. I, however, am not yet of the AARP variety and would greatly like to enjoy the last remaining minutes of my youth if at all possible. So please have a chat with your cousin Gravity and discuss the possibility of loosening his grip on my parts and allow them at least a fighting chance at remaining taught until the very last conceivable moment. I would also like to request a leave of absence in my battle of the bulge- I'm hungry and rice cakes don't cut it.
I appreciate your time and attention to this matter.
All the best,
A Moderately Managing Mommy
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